A LETTER FROM PRISON
I'M WRITING TO YOU FROM PRISON BECAUSE...
I SKIPPED MY DAILY CUP
IT ALL STARTED WHEN...
It all started when I decided to skip my morning coffee. Why? Who knows. It hardly makes sense looking back. I think I may have been trying a cleanse or something... Seemed harmless at the time, but now I realize that playing with detoxes is just… senseless.
So many people get hurt when you decide to indulge in habits like that – you’re not playing with your health; you’re playing with lives.
IT WAS A PERFECT MONDAY
AND THEN IT ALL HAPPENED...
It all happened on a perfectly normal Monday morning. Instead of my usual cup of Black Insomnia Coffee, I was sipping on a Carrot and Kombucha smoothie, listening to my boss harping on about upcoming deadlines.
My body was definitely in that boardroom, but my mind was in another realm. At some point, he looked right at me, and asked, ‘Do you have anything to add, Kevin?’ That was it. In that moment, something snapped, and I realized that he was the worst human on earth, and I wasn’t gonna sit there a second longer listening to his bullshit and tolerating his f*ckin’ terrible attitude and bad vibes.
I BLACKED OUT
I BLAME THE JUICE
And then I blacked out. Apparently, I murdered the sonofabitch. Truth is, now that I’ve had time to think about it, he didn’t deserve that. Sure, he was annoying, but he wasn’t the problem.
That f*ckin’ juice was the problem. Son, don’t be a fool. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that coffee is the glue that holds our fragile society together. Don’t be an idiot. Quit this ‘caffeine-free bullshit’, and make sure you drink at least one cup of good, strong coffee every damn day.
Sincerely, Uncle Kevin
PS: Send coffee.
TO AVOID JAIL - JUST ADD COFFEE
BONUS - IT TASTES BETTER THAN PRISON FOOD
10-year sentence without parole can be avoided. We all know Kevin is a special guy let's all learn from Kevin's mistakes. if your name is Kevin email us for a coupon maybe we will give you some free shit. Just remember, the POPO can't catch you if you have had your dose of caffeine.